tema: an open letter to my friends in London, or "why i'm not where you are"

"To whom it may concern":


Hi. I don't know how or where to start. but I thought "here" would be fitting.

Here is where i am at the moment, which happens to be Luleå. I am here for several reasons, and will remain here for a short while. I hope that you understand. I know you do. My first six months (almost) in London was probably the best six months of my life, and will probably remain at the top for quite a while. It's not that I'm not returning to London (fanny keeps insisting that i should call London "home", but i won't, because i'm not sure if i even have one), because i am, in awhile, possibly/hopefully in the end of august. So don't worry. in case you miss me, that is. I will be back. But things will probably be different next time around. But the future isn't what's important at this point (now).


There are, of course, reasons. And i thought that i should make them clear. First up is "money": since i've lived a quite umm... destructive life, in london, my money is running out, and because of my inability to find a job, my prospects of getting any more in London were quite small. Here, I have a job. And i thought that i'd use that to get a new, smaller fortune to use as a metaphorical safety net when i return. I need more money, basically. I hope that there'll be no problem with the apartment that I was supposed to move into about now, and if no-one is there to take my place for the time being (or forever, for that matter, if my chance at that already has passed. i don't hold grudges fyi.) i will pay my share of the rent.

nr. 2 is not as easy to explain. and in a way it's connected to reason nr. 3, which I will get to in the next paragraph, I hope. I've never been very good at being alone (or feeling lonely), and i'm not saying i did feel that way. not more than before, anyway. it's just that that feeling is so much more... tangible, in London. the few moments when i was left with only my thoughs as company (or just felt very alone) felt worse than anything i've experienced before, maybe because they were interspaced with long periods of not thinking at all. and that is why i need a new start. I had, and have, unfinished business, in luleå. and now, i have unfinished business in London, as well.

Do you remember the movie Garden State? Can you recall the ending? Zach Braff leaves Natalie Portman standing at the airport, all alone, but then, heroically, comes running back! I didn't. Come running back, that is. For six months. Because yes, there is a girl. And yes, I left her. And no, I never told anyone about that. I hardly spoke to her at all when i was in london, because i didn't dare. i thought i'd make me anxious. but that was quite unavoidable. So now, i'm back here, and unexplanably, she doesn't hate me. now i'm taking it one day at a time and what will happen later is a big blur. But you, as well as me, knows that i would have a very hard time coping with autumn and winter here. It's all arrangeable in the future. I hope. I think that is it.


So i'm sorry that i'm not where your are. i'm only trying to be happy. in a way. I hope that you don't hate me, cause i miss you, and look forward to seeing you again. Love from the coastal town they forgot to bomb down.


XOXO
/nils